the Proven's Parade East.

Charlie waited at the window for for the crew to arrive and from that moment on was in 6th gear. Here they are minus of course Uncle David who was busy managing Barca at an assistant level guiding them to their 4th consecutive title and winning back the European Cup from Milan.


Patrick quickly learned what Charlie means by 'Dooush'



The kid's were great they played out the front garden, then Patrick came in and told us that
'Charlie's crazy, she's trying to kill herself...'
It turned out that she driving her car on the road, something aunty Maimy should learn to do. Once I informed Patrick that it was a quiet street and it was OK they were off playing with the kids in the street. Peace for Mum and aunty Steph to gossip and for Dad and Uncle David to tactically overcome formidable opponents.


Phoenix was in on the action aswell, almost becoming part of it with Charlie's 'ring a ring a roses' and Gary's 360 spin jumps from the couch. Although she did get papped off to Granma's while Dad, Mum and Charlie were treated to Dinner courtesy of the Proven posse.


Amy, David even passed his test and he thinks that 'left' is 'straight on'...

Judgement...

On speaking to my lawyer before entering court I began to regret my arrogant treatment of the social enquiry report.

"Kris that's not a good report, you've really made this hard"

He then handed me a copy of the report in which he had already highlighted the areas that he found worrying.
1. I feel no remorse for my offences.
2. I drink to the point of intoxication and black-outs.
3. I don't concider this a problem.
4. I drink in the house.
5. I feel that I am 'above' the law.
6. I am at moderate to high risk of re-offending.
7. That I feel it is justified to kick someone on the head.

On reading through the report I quickly realized that any form of context had been removed and my explanations to why I believe these things obviously would have used to much ink and were therfore omitted.
I couldn't believe it, I had deliberatly sabotaged my report with a mixture of truth and arrogance but without context it made me look like a nutter.

My lawyer made it clear that he thought I'd get 6 months - 4 months because of an early plea but with this report he explained exactly what the Sheriff would say about the reports findings...

What did the Sheriff have to say then?


Well the first thing that went in my favour was the Procurator Fiscal had lost my file (what a legend). The Sheriff went nuts but decided to go ahead without him. My lawyer tried to fill in the contextual blanks that weren't on my report, all the while the sheriff nodded with a condesending smile - I thought I was fucked for sure.

The sheriff was impressed with my choice of degree, however thought it was ME that had to go home and revise some aspects of morality and ethics in society. Despite the stress I was under, I almost burst out laughing though managed to control it to just a wry smile.

In simple terms, morality is the right or wrong (or otherwise) of an action, a way of life or a decision, while ethics is the study of such standards as we use or propose to judge such things. Thus abortion may be moral or immoral according to the code we employ but ethics tells us why we call it so and how we made up our minds. As a result, ethics is sometimes called moral philosophy; we use it to criticise, defend, promote, justify and suggest moral concepts and to answer questions of morality, such as:

* How should we live and treat one another?
* What are right and wrong?
* How can we know or decide?
* Where do our ethical ideas come from?
* What are rights? Who or what has them?
* Should we coerce one another?
* Can we find an ethical system that applies to everyone?
* What do we mean by duty, justice and other similar concepts?

But all the justification for my moral point of view had not been recorded on the S.E.R. the report is most likely just a checklist because writing what was actually said would be too hard for the monkey's that interview you.


The sheriff then went on to say that I was 'out of control and because I don't see it as a problem she was worried about me being violent towards my partner and children'
What a fucking shot in the dark, then when my lawyer went on to say that nothing I have EVER done would indicate domestic abuse.
The sheriff responded with 'Domestic abuse comes in many forms, Mr Runcie'

So now because I've faught bouncers and the 'scum' and larger gangs suddenly now I'm a child abuser? Fuck you and your whole establishment...thats like saying because I have a penis then your worried about me commiting rape. Talk about conjecture...

In the end I was relieved to get 80 hours community service and a years probation. Though if she hadn't been so annoyed with the P.F. I think I'd be watching the World Cup with Bubba

the Day of Reckoning

Had to go to see a social worker a few days ago in preparation for going to court today to be sentenced. However, although I'm well aware of the answers that I should give to butter-up the social worker and therefore present a positive report to the judge. I decided instead to be brutally honest (rush of blood to the head I suppose)



"hash is the only thing that keeps me calm"
"Could you expand on that?"
"well hash just makes me laugh at how shit life is rather than get annoyed at it"
"So without hash you get angry?"

Now my question is, how can you not be angry? Even while stoned I am still pissed off with the entire fabric of our so called 'civilization,' there is nothing civilized about it.




Another truth I made clear which again went against conventional thought was that University is a bullshit training course for your career and has absolutely nothing to do with education.

"I see from your previous report that you were at university, what happened with that?"
"I left at the end of third year"
"do you intent to complete your course?"
"Naw, I'm above it..."
"what do you mean YOUR above it"

Now although this is clearly true, it's just not something you say. I went on to explain that university serves only the purpose of testing, showing that you can follow orders, qualifying whilst getting you into so much debt essentially tricking you into paying for your own job training and that 'real' education is something that you do in your own time, using your own motivation, studying subjects of your own choice.

Another thing on the agenda was my drinking habits, since every offence that I've been caught for has been when I've been too pissed to run away. Having already been forced to attend alcohol probation 3 years ago. I commented on how useless it was since I don't have a drinking problem, that I am just greedy and that when I get drunk I know I'll keep drinking until I 'Black-out' (another concerning buzz word) when I could've just said fall asleep.


"So how did you find the SACRO probation last time"
"I didn't learn anything new, they give you a drink diary and unless the football was on I wouldn't drink and even then it would just be a few beers, in fact the course instructor drank more than me."
"So you don't think you have a drink problem?"
"No, like I said the more you have the harder it is to say no to the next one. I think that's true of most people"
"Most people don't go around assaulting people..."

After this statement I burst out laughing, I couldn't help it.
I then lifted my charge sheet and pointed to all my offence's and pointed out that in not one instance did I ever attack anyone and that every assault was against bouncers and/or police and that in this latest farcicle affair there was seven of them against two of us, and they started on us I just hit one guy a bit too hard.

"So you don't feel any remorse for any of these victims"
"Bouncers and Police? no they're not victims there're licenced bullies."
"I take it your anti-authoritarian?"
"Just a wee bit, i'm an anarchist"



Again, not the best thing to say to someone within they same establishment writing a report that could send you to jail. But fuck them it's true these pricks deserve much worse than being hit by a drunk.

The social worker said she would advise against probation because I said although it wouldn't teach me anything new, it may be interesting.

"It's not meant to be interesting"

And to tail it off we returned to the facts of this case. I let her know that I and everyone I've spoken to thought it was a joke that I was getting charged for getting jumped.

"But you kicked someone one the head?"
"there was seven of them"
"So you think you are justified in kicking someone on the head?"
"your making it sound worse than it was"
"You think you are justified in kicking someone on the head?"
"yes, in that circumstance I was. It's not like I had already over powered one guy and was beating him to death"


Do you think it'll go well?

Illness sweeps the Martin household.

In the last week we have been back and forward to the hospital and despite the fact that we live a five minute walk from the Royal. We've had to spend a fortune on taxi's to the Sick Kids Hospital. Despite the fact that the Royal referred Charlie to the SKH they wouldn't provide a vehicle to transfer her there. Cheers...


Charlie was the most ill having an infected lung or some'hin. The grief that Dad got on the phone for not informing Gran of her cough was not surprising, though if you hadn't experienced the hysteria of Martin women then you would have thought she had bad aids.

Of course Mum and Dad are both diseased now......again.

However, this'll be Phoenix's first test of her immune system since she now has a bad cough, green shit and lots of puke. Although she is moaning and crying alot at the moment she still has plenty of smiles - infact she seems to mock the illness, my little Übermensch.

Fee-Fee finds her feet.

In the last few day's Phoenix has found her feet. Since then she has become very restless when sitting up in her buggy or bouncey chair all she wants to do now is lie on her back and chew on her toes. When on her back she is almost rolling over aswell won't be long now...

Phoenix feeding frenzy

Phoenix has been eating solids now for about 2 months and as you can see, like her sister keeps up the Martin love for excess.

The picture above shows Fee-Fee's right ear making its usual attempt to flap. Think we may have to wrap her head in masking tape to stop her ears thinking they're wings.


When there is no food on the table Charlie and Neenix are often found trying to devour there hands.

Really Dad should have grown out of this.

Uncle Simps dropped as Josh becomes faves?

Charlie has rarely been scared of anyone, however if she hadn't seen Josh for a while then she would be weary for an hour or so. Can you really blame her, look at this dodgy character

Simps on the other hand always had Charlies trust, from the moment he would walk in the door Charlie would engage with him.


However, now it's Josh that Charlie always asks for 'where Josh?' so does this show a shift in Charlie's favorite Uncle?

It looked to be the case until Charlie was at the Safari Park and to her Gran's surprise said 'me nove Dave' - Gran phoned to check who this mysterious Dave character was. It looks like your safe for the time being Simps but you might have to visit more often to remain faves

Lions and Tigers and Monkeeees.

Gran was through for Charlie on Friday, and this weekend was Charlie's first trip to a safari park. Patrick and Gary were with her and they all loved seeing all the animals they have heard so much about.

Charlie and Patrick get inside the animals.


a gazelle's life just seems so sad when alone and surrounded by tigers.

Charlie makes a start on the garden.

Last Wednesday was a lovely day to get stuck into the garden, however 4.30pm was rather late to capitalize on the weather. This resulted in us trying to re-plant the tulips and roses in the dark.
The reason for such a late start was due to Ally and Josh's tardiness. Despite this though we did make a good start by taking all the weeds out of the future vegetable patch and turning the soil. Charlie loved digging in the garden though spent most of the time throwing sand over herself.



Here's Charlie talking to lil'nigs Josiha. It's a shame he's never allowed out to play cause he just lives next door. Maybe when I get the back garden done he'll be allowed over since there are no escape routes from there...

Fee-Fee takes the plunge

Whole family got up early this morning to go swimming. Today was Phoenix's first time in the pool. Although the pictures show an unhappy baby, Phoenix was happy in the pool for a good half-hour.


Dad had intended to take pictures when we first got in but had a mini disaster by going in the shower with the phone in his pocket - what an eejit!
After running back through to the locker to dry it, I decided it was best to leave it in the locker until we were getting out hence the moans.



Charlie as usual loved the water and her swimming is coming on though she did try to kill herself when we first got into the pool. When we were on the steps she sat under the water while Dad was blowing up Phoenix's chair. The guy next to me panicked then informed me that 'you need to watch' - Rrrreally, oh right cheers for the advice...



Phoenix and Mum are being informed that we cannot take pictures in the pool. A woman had grassed on us because the children are half-naked - no joke, this really happened!!! what's the world coming to?

Aunty Maimy Stinks!

On the drive up from Corby completely out of the blue, Charlie uttered the now immortal words 'aunty maimy stinks! No nike aunty maimy!' - what an intelligent and perceptive child...




Aunty Amy visited last night after returning from Birmingham to see her beloved nieces only to hear what Charlie had said about her. Aimpots was in Birmingham to see that made up Wrestling 'hing. Eeehhh!!! you turning into a Yank or some'int? Stuart you are a terrible influence - First American Football now Fake Wrestling, what's next? Persecuting women for breast-feeding in public perhaps.



After the kids went to bed, we watched a film during which Bobbin's started to talk about her ridiculously bad spider phobia. What a weirdo!! she can't even look at them on T.V. without feeling discomfort. Aunt Amy had gone to the zoo and met some guy that worked there who advised her to go and get therapy.
I've been saying it for years but now she's considering it.

Here's a prezzy.

Summary Justice.

Re-appeared in court this morning and strangely my poo turned to soup again, I wonder if there is a connection between the two.

Phoned my co-defendant Ally last night who missed the last appearance through a mysterious illness that left him hospitalised which has been described as the first human case of bird-flu (though this is unconfirmed).
Ally was still through in West Kilbride and was surprised to hear that we were due in court the next day so despite him still feeling poorly he dragged himself through to appear in this kangaroo court.

Turned up early this morning and was surprised to see Ally had beaten me there. He still felt rough and looked a little pale, though at least his skin had reverted from its radioactive yellow glow.

My lawyer swept by majestically with his flowing gown trailing behind him, I always find the halls in court fascinating:
The old pro's dress smart and look confident usually in a group of friends and family.
You get several 'Young Teams' who come to support each other either as friends or co-defendants, they always stand up and have a swagger about them.
There is an abundance of withdrawn shadows who's ghost like appearance and skulky presence show them up as the 'Junkies' they appear alone or in couples but never in groups.
The 'Alchy's' primarily can be identified by their smell and these guys are also usually sitting alone.
Dotted about are a few mentally retarded folk who from the minute they cross the threshold need looking after though rather than get this, they get pawned of by each official they talk to.
Then there is the group that I once belonged to, the poor kids with their suit on sitting on a seat staring at their feet feeling shameful as their parents stand over them talking to their lawyer.

I fought my way through the crowd of 'baddies' to catch up with my caped crusader. He had managed to do a deal with the crown; the deal meant that I had to plead guilty to the crime I didn't do,(assault) without the word 'repeatedly' and they would drop the charge that I did do (possession of cannabis)
Ally's plea of 'not guilty' was accepted, while my sentence was deferred for background reports because all my previous records were assaults.

There was seven of them, two of us.
In one of the witness statements said that they banged into us, we swore at them, they pushed Ally first.
But because I kicked one of them after decking him that action isn't deemed as 'self-defence' because I had the opportunity to run away.
5 of them said I kicked the guy once.
2 said I did it repeatedly
And I'm meant to be grateful that 'repeatedly' was deleted, cheers.
3 of the 7 also thought they were fighting 3 people, that's how reliable these statements were.

But I was caught red handed with the hash.

'Justice is truth in action' - what a joke...

An Easter in England.

Arrived back today from Corby having spent the easter weekend there. First time I have been down in 5 years, though Charlie visited with Mum and Gran 2 years ago when she was roughly about the same age as Phoenix is now (5 months). So there was alot to catch up on...

Went through to Weedgieville on Thursday after court, Teri and the kids had gone through earlier with Granma & Granda Pugh and Aunty Heidi (who were flying out to palma nova from Glasgow.) This is also the fateful day were I became a human expresso machine, a complaint that would later claim 5 more victims throughout the trip.

Early Friday morning we set off and it didn't take long to see the family charm. At 'the Little Chef' the first stop we encountered some problems with service. Gran lept in response demanding action, this was not good enough, this time Gran demanded a manager take responsibility...in reparations the kids meal was discounted. All seemed well but we were still a cup short for our tea - the audacity. Gran never pulled any punches letting the manager know exactly how she found the 'service'...he conceeded the whole meal then ran off to hide somewhere 'til we'd gone.


Callum looks a bit surprised to see us.


We arrived just after lunch and it didn't take long for GG Agnes' house to fill up. Met Dylan, Callum and the dog 'Lucky' for the first time on a lovely day, the first I've experienced this year. Dylan is a 4-year-old English/Scotlish hybrid proud of his Celtic roots while Callum is only a wee barra at 6-months. All the usual suspects came to greet us and meet Phoenix for the first time except for my cousin Richard (Dylan's Dad) who remained hidden for the duration of the holiday. Lindsey-Ann (Callum's mum) made a cameo and provided much of the aparatus needed for entertaining Fee-Fee so thanks Lindsey-Ann it was much appreciated. Despite this though, I think that Phoenix was a little homesick and possibly over-whelmed by the whole experience because she moaned continually through the whole week-end until she got home then she was a happy little giggler again.


The Gray's of course came round, Kathryn now a girl-racer came screetching round the corner. Andrew had just come back up from London and had made Charlie an easter hat, the thoughtful devil that he is. Claire swaggered in later though was unusually quiet, it wasn't until she had a few drinks in her on Sunday when she opened up declaring her wish to wipe out the human race - rather extreme I think, though I agree they're a problem. Aunty Sandra and Uncle Eddy were among the first to welcome us all and express their surprise at me being a father...

Uncle Andrew helps Charlie with some golf tips.

Shortly after arrival Andrew asked me to come and help him carry a childrens chute across the road, when I saw this chute I couldn't help but smile before putting it under my arm and carring it myself much to Andrew's embarrasment and mild protests.

'Kris Martin don't you daaaare lift that by yourself.............Oh my God I'll never live this down!!!!'

Made the mistake of having a Chinky despite my delicate condition, then went to the pub with Grandad, Uncle Eddy and Andrew. Kathryn 'my favourite cousin' had the pleasure of dropping us off and picking us up what a star she is, though her driving can be a little reckless. The next morning I had the pleasure of spewing out of both ends simultainously - nice...


Charlie on a horsey at East Carlton Park.

On Saturday Gran, Aunty Sandra, Mum, Dad, Kathryn, Andrew, Charlie, Dylan and Phoenix all took a trip to Calton Park where we saw ducks, climbed a wee hill, played in the sand and in the swingpark. After lunch we headed home to GG's

Gran and Grandad went out for a meal with Sandra and Eddy. Dad and Mum stayed in to hear stories of Agnes' children including Uncle David's masterful prank on Aunt Sandra when they were kids:
David had aquired a mannequin and dressed it before setting it up to look like someone had hung themselves at the top of the stairs. - although this led to a scream from the terrified Sandra and a heroic burst of energy from Papa who flew up the stairs ripped it from the roof. Agnes shouted "what's the matter with you!!! you sick or something?" and nobody was laughing. Comedy genius...I love it.


Gran and Charlie went to visit Papa's grave on Sunday while Dad lay in his pit. Charlie couldn't find Papa so left the flowers next a stone that Gran was talking to.
After Dad had surfaced we all went round for a lovely buffet, some wine and beers courtesy of Aunty Sandra. Molly the dog and a hulahoop kept Charlie entertained for most of the afternoon, Phoenix spent most of the time in the garden sleeping. All the family reminicing until the football came on.
Mum, Dad, Andrew and Claire then went to the pub thanks to Kathryn's rallying. Kathryn would later join us in the pub (oooh the baby's all growed up) Mum went home while the rest of us moved on to some other place by this stage things get a bit foggy and next thing Dad knows is he is waking up on the couch on Monday morning in a busy living room.

We got organized and said our goodbye's then made our long journey north Glasgow via Edinburgh. No excitement at the little chef this time although Charlie uttered an immortal phrase and just before we arrived spewed in the car - mmm yummy..

Thanks again to everyone for a great Easter, Love you all...

8/4/06 - Uncle Thyne meets Fee-Fee

The Martin household had a visit from Uncle Thyne in the early hours of Saturday morning. Teri had been trying to co-ordinate the mission of both Andy and myself getting home over the phone. Somehow even though we left 'Whistlebinkies' (pub/venue) at the same time, we manage to walk in opposite directions. By this time I had blacked-out - the next thing I remember is being in my living room waiting for Andy's arrival in a seperate taxi. Teri reports that I claimed that I was fighting with 30 guys (rather ambitious, even for me...especially while talking on a phone.) But I made it home unscathed and amused at Teri's claim.

Uncle Andy eventually arrived but had (not-surprisingly, considering how pissed we were) lost his bag. But eventually we could get a smoke and chill out.


The next morning Andy made some calls to see if his bag was handed in - it wasn't, (poor lad) though the biggest loss was 60 fags so it could be worse.

Charlie never managed to see Andy because she was staying with Gran over the weekend visiting her cousins Patrick and Gary.

Gran comes to pick up her chicken.

Grandad looks so serious.

Gary with his favorite cousin.


Charlie's big cousins Patrick and Gary.

Mummy Dearest

Man's timid heart is bursting with the things he must not say.
For the Woman that God gave him isn't his to give away;
But when hunter meets with husband, each confirms the other's tale—
The female of the species is more deadly than the male.


Well so they say...........Eh Teri.....