Fee-Fee takes the plunge

Whole family got up early this morning to go swimming. Today was Phoenix's first time in the pool. Although the pictures show an unhappy baby, Phoenix was happy in the pool for a good half-hour.


Dad had intended to take pictures when we first got in but had a mini disaster by going in the shower with the phone in his pocket - what an eejit!
After running back through to the locker to dry it, I decided it was best to leave it in the locker until we were getting out hence the moans.



Charlie as usual loved the water and her swimming is coming on though she did try to kill herself when we first got into the pool. When we were on the steps she sat under the water while Dad was blowing up Phoenix's chair. The guy next to me panicked then informed me that 'you need to watch' - Rrrreally, oh right cheers for the advice...



Phoenix and Mum are being informed that we cannot take pictures in the pool. A woman had grassed on us because the children are half-naked - no joke, this really happened!!! what's the world coming to?

Aunty Maimy Stinks!

On the drive up from Corby completely out of the blue, Charlie uttered the now immortal words 'aunty maimy stinks! No nike aunty maimy!' - what an intelligent and perceptive child...




Aunty Amy visited last night after returning from Birmingham to see her beloved nieces only to hear what Charlie had said about her. Aimpots was in Birmingham to see that made up Wrestling 'hing. Eeehhh!!! you turning into a Yank or some'int? Stuart you are a terrible influence - First American Football now Fake Wrestling, what's next? Persecuting women for breast-feeding in public perhaps.



After the kids went to bed, we watched a film during which Bobbin's started to talk about her ridiculously bad spider phobia. What a weirdo!! she can't even look at them on T.V. without feeling discomfort. Aunt Amy had gone to the zoo and met some guy that worked there who advised her to go and get therapy.
I've been saying it for years but now she's considering it.

Here's a prezzy.

Summary Justice.

Re-appeared in court this morning and strangely my poo turned to soup again, I wonder if there is a connection between the two.

Phoned my co-defendant Ally last night who missed the last appearance through a mysterious illness that left him hospitalised which has been described as the first human case of bird-flu (though this is unconfirmed).
Ally was still through in West Kilbride and was surprised to hear that we were due in court the next day so despite him still feeling poorly he dragged himself through to appear in this kangaroo court.

Turned up early this morning and was surprised to see Ally had beaten me there. He still felt rough and looked a little pale, though at least his skin had reverted from its radioactive yellow glow.

My lawyer swept by majestically with his flowing gown trailing behind him, I always find the halls in court fascinating:
The old pro's dress smart and look confident usually in a group of friends and family.
You get several 'Young Teams' who come to support each other either as friends or co-defendants, they always stand up and have a swagger about them.
There is an abundance of withdrawn shadows who's ghost like appearance and skulky presence show them up as the 'Junkies' they appear alone or in couples but never in groups.
The 'Alchy's' primarily can be identified by their smell and these guys are also usually sitting alone.
Dotted about are a few mentally retarded folk who from the minute they cross the threshold need looking after though rather than get this, they get pawned of by each official they talk to.
Then there is the group that I once belonged to, the poor kids with their suit on sitting on a seat staring at their feet feeling shameful as their parents stand over them talking to their lawyer.

I fought my way through the crowd of 'baddies' to catch up with my caped crusader. He had managed to do a deal with the crown; the deal meant that I had to plead guilty to the crime I didn't do,(assault) without the word 'repeatedly' and they would drop the charge that I did do (possession of cannabis)
Ally's plea of 'not guilty' was accepted, while my sentence was deferred for background reports because all my previous records were assaults.

There was seven of them, two of us.
In one of the witness statements said that they banged into us, we swore at them, they pushed Ally first.
But because I kicked one of them after decking him that action isn't deemed as 'self-defence' because I had the opportunity to run away.
5 of them said I kicked the guy once.
2 said I did it repeatedly
And I'm meant to be grateful that 'repeatedly' was deleted, cheers.
3 of the 7 also thought they were fighting 3 people, that's how reliable these statements were.

But I was caught red handed with the hash.

'Justice is truth in action' - what a joke...

An Easter in England.

Arrived back today from Corby having spent the easter weekend there. First time I have been down in 5 years, though Charlie visited with Mum and Gran 2 years ago when she was roughly about the same age as Phoenix is now (5 months). So there was alot to catch up on...

Went through to Weedgieville on Thursday after court, Teri and the kids had gone through earlier with Granma & Granda Pugh and Aunty Heidi (who were flying out to palma nova from Glasgow.) This is also the fateful day were I became a human expresso machine, a complaint that would later claim 5 more victims throughout the trip.

Early Friday morning we set off and it didn't take long to see the family charm. At 'the Little Chef' the first stop we encountered some problems with service. Gran lept in response demanding action, this was not good enough, this time Gran demanded a manager take responsibility...in reparations the kids meal was discounted. All seemed well but we were still a cup short for our tea - the audacity. Gran never pulled any punches letting the manager know exactly how she found the 'service'...he conceeded the whole meal then ran off to hide somewhere 'til we'd gone.


Callum looks a bit surprised to see us.


We arrived just after lunch and it didn't take long for GG Agnes' house to fill up. Met Dylan, Callum and the dog 'Lucky' for the first time on a lovely day, the first I've experienced this year. Dylan is a 4-year-old English/Scotlish hybrid proud of his Celtic roots while Callum is only a wee barra at 6-months. All the usual suspects came to greet us and meet Phoenix for the first time except for my cousin Richard (Dylan's Dad) who remained hidden for the duration of the holiday. Lindsey-Ann (Callum's mum) made a cameo and provided much of the aparatus needed for entertaining Fee-Fee so thanks Lindsey-Ann it was much appreciated. Despite this though, I think that Phoenix was a little homesick and possibly over-whelmed by the whole experience because she moaned continually through the whole week-end until she got home then she was a happy little giggler again.


The Gray's of course came round, Kathryn now a girl-racer came screetching round the corner. Andrew had just come back up from London and had made Charlie an easter hat, the thoughtful devil that he is. Claire swaggered in later though was unusually quiet, it wasn't until she had a few drinks in her on Sunday when she opened up declaring her wish to wipe out the human race - rather extreme I think, though I agree they're a problem. Aunty Sandra and Uncle Eddy were among the first to welcome us all and express their surprise at me being a father...

Uncle Andrew helps Charlie with some golf tips.

Shortly after arrival Andrew asked me to come and help him carry a childrens chute across the road, when I saw this chute I couldn't help but smile before putting it under my arm and carring it myself much to Andrew's embarrasment and mild protests.

'Kris Martin don't you daaaare lift that by yourself.............Oh my God I'll never live this down!!!!'

Made the mistake of having a Chinky despite my delicate condition, then went to the pub with Grandad, Uncle Eddy and Andrew. Kathryn 'my favourite cousin' had the pleasure of dropping us off and picking us up what a star she is, though her driving can be a little reckless. The next morning I had the pleasure of spewing out of both ends simultainously - nice...


Charlie on a horsey at East Carlton Park.

On Saturday Gran, Aunty Sandra, Mum, Dad, Kathryn, Andrew, Charlie, Dylan and Phoenix all took a trip to Calton Park where we saw ducks, climbed a wee hill, played in the sand and in the swingpark. After lunch we headed home to GG's

Gran and Grandad went out for a meal with Sandra and Eddy. Dad and Mum stayed in to hear stories of Agnes' children including Uncle David's masterful prank on Aunt Sandra when they were kids:
David had aquired a mannequin and dressed it before setting it up to look like someone had hung themselves at the top of the stairs. - although this led to a scream from the terrified Sandra and a heroic burst of energy from Papa who flew up the stairs ripped it from the roof. Agnes shouted "what's the matter with you!!! you sick or something?" and nobody was laughing. Comedy genius...I love it.


Gran and Charlie went to visit Papa's grave on Sunday while Dad lay in his pit. Charlie couldn't find Papa so left the flowers next a stone that Gran was talking to.
After Dad had surfaced we all went round for a lovely buffet, some wine and beers courtesy of Aunty Sandra. Molly the dog and a hulahoop kept Charlie entertained for most of the afternoon, Phoenix spent most of the time in the garden sleeping. All the family reminicing until the football came on.
Mum, Dad, Andrew and Claire then went to the pub thanks to Kathryn's rallying. Kathryn would later join us in the pub (oooh the baby's all growed up) Mum went home while the rest of us moved on to some other place by this stage things get a bit foggy and next thing Dad knows is he is waking up on the couch on Monday morning in a busy living room.

We got organized and said our goodbye's then made our long journey north Glasgow via Edinburgh. No excitement at the little chef this time although Charlie uttered an immortal phrase and just before we arrived spewed in the car - mmm yummy..

Thanks again to everyone for a great Easter, Love you all...

8/4/06 - Uncle Thyne meets Fee-Fee

The Martin household had a visit from Uncle Thyne in the early hours of Saturday morning. Teri had been trying to co-ordinate the mission of both Andy and myself getting home over the phone. Somehow even though we left 'Whistlebinkies' (pub/venue) at the same time, we manage to walk in opposite directions. By this time I had blacked-out - the next thing I remember is being in my living room waiting for Andy's arrival in a seperate taxi. Teri reports that I claimed that I was fighting with 30 guys (rather ambitious, even for me...especially while talking on a phone.) But I made it home unscathed and amused at Teri's claim.

Uncle Andy eventually arrived but had (not-surprisingly, considering how pissed we were) lost his bag. But eventually we could get a smoke and chill out.


The next morning Andy made some calls to see if his bag was handed in - it wasn't, (poor lad) though the biggest loss was 60 fags so it could be worse.

Charlie never managed to see Andy because she was staying with Gran over the weekend visiting her cousins Patrick and Gary.

Gran comes to pick up her chicken.

Grandad looks so serious.

Gary with his favorite cousin.


Charlie's big cousins Patrick and Gary.

Mummy Dearest

Man's timid heart is bursting with the things he must not say.
For the Woman that God gave him isn't his to give away;
But when hunter meets with husband, each confirms the other's tale—
The female of the species is more deadly than the male.


Well so they say...........Eh Teri.....